Socializing When Everyone Is New

This lovely image is from my friend Sans Talbot’s coloring book The Sacred Feminine, Volume 1 (2023). She is the visual embodiment of a delicate bloom of learning. And, now, let’s set the stage for a comparison of my experience at Oxford in 1986 and Ruby Granger’s experience in 2023.

Arrival at Oxford

The difference between my arrival at Oxford and Ruby Granger’s was not a matter of time (transportation has not changed over the past 36 years) but rather of distance. Ruby’s parents drove her to Oxford (seemingly a short drive), and she brought a carload of things. My transatlantic flight from Minneapolis was delayed, and I arrived at college 12 hours later than expected, which meant that I had been travelling for around 35 hours (First Night at Oxford). I had two large 70-pound suitcases (included in the price of the budget airfare), so unlike Ruby, there was not much to unpack. And I had no computer to set up.

Comparing Our Rooms

Although both of our rooms were modern (mine was built in 1977), Ruby’s room at Jesus College was smaller than mine at Keble. My room at DeBreyne Quad had a single bed, desk, and chairs with a small coffee table. The exterior  windows facing Museum Road were narrow floor-to-ceiling slits.

Exterior of DeBreyne Quad, Keble College, Oxford. https://manchesterhistory.net/architecture/1970/keble.html

The interior side that faced the quad was entirely made of windows. Since I was on the fourth floor, I looked out into a large tree. There was a long (but narrow) couch in front of the window that could be used as a bed for visiting friends. The single bed suggested that students were not expected to be sleeping with anyone (though I assure you it is entirely possible to do so).

Interior view of Hayward Quad, Keble College, Oxford. https://manchesterhistory.net/architecture/1970/keble.html

You can see Ruby’s room in her video “Move in Vlog for My English MA” (at 1:36 and throughout). She brought sheets for a single bed, but the room had a double bed. Unlike Ruby, I did not need to bring sheets—they were provided by the college. Once a week, we stripped the bed and piled the dirty linen in the hall. The scouts then put clean linen on our beds when they cleaned the room. We had to provide our own mini-fridges. I didn’t bring any dishes, so I bought a mug decorated with the Keble crest, and within a week, one of the guys had managed to sneak a few plates (also bearing the college crest) out of the dining hall for me by hiding them inside his college gown.

Shopping for Food

Ruby and her parents go grocery shopping to stock her shelf with staples. This is an important acknowledgment of the strange downshifting of lifestyle that occurs when you move from a spacious, well-equipped middle-class home with a car to just a bedroom and a common kitchen. From here on, she will have to carry the food she eats from the store.

Unlike Ruby, I decided to eat most of my meals in hall. On my first night at college, I described dinner in hall: “The plate was heaped full of food—meat pie (chunks of beef in a thick gravy with a flakey crust on top), parsley potatoes, carrots, and peas—but there was no choice in the matter. While I ate in silence, the others were asking hundreds of questions about how various aspects of the college worked. I realized that dinner was an important part of the orientation process: the chief source of information about college and university life.”

Since Ruby is vegan, it might be challenging for her to eat in the dining hall. If she chooses not to eat in hall and to make all her own food, then she will be missing out on an important and useful aspect of attending Oxford. It goes beyond the information—daily eating with your fellow students allows the building of friendships and shared knowledge about each other. Then, self-reflecting, I began to wonder what I was missing as a result of my lifestyle choices.

Socializing

The first week of term is intensely social. Ruby attended a welcome tea at the college café, where she met other postgraduate students and her college dad, and learned about the history of Jesus College and Oxford University. But she was uncertain about attending the pizza evening. She says (at 5:15 of the video): “There is a pizza evening at 6:00. I am trying to work out whether I want to go or not because it is a lot of socializing and I’m really quite tired, so I may not go. . . . Basically, there can be a lot of pressure during Freshers week when you first start university to be socializing all the time, and, yes, it’s important to socialize. It’s important to carve out that time and space for meeting people and making friends, but also if you are introverted and you get socially drained easily, it can be really overwhelming. . . . So, I just want to stress that it’s OK if you want to take the night off. . . . I just want to validate that it is OK to take a night in by yourself doing nothing. . . . I feel like a broken record here saying it’s OK over and over.”

That’s because it is not OK. The socializing that happens in naught week is essential. It is much easier to meet people when everyone is new and classes have not begun. By the second week, friendship groups have formed. If you missed out, it will be harder to make friends, and you may find yourself spending many nights alone in your room—not just one. I say this from experience.

My first year at Oxford, I went to every social event that I could find and had many friends. At the start of my second year, however, most of them were gone (see Room to Experiment). They had been on one-year degree programs or had failed and left for other universities. I felt sad about that—like being the sole survivor of a battle. I had bad jet lag, was pregnant and could not drink, and my asthma had gotten bad. Smoking had not been banned in public spaces or events, so I could only last for an hour at best before I couldn’t breathe. In short, I met only one new friend that year; it was because he always chose to sit next to me at dinner. In the years that followed, I made an effort at the beginning of Michaelmas term to socialize and meet the new people.

A Happier Ending

I want to end on a happier note. Ruby says “I can’t believe I’m here! . . . Trying to come to terms with the fact I’m actually here and I’ve moved in and I’m about to start studying on my dream course.” She had wanted to go to Oxford since the age of 12 and had failed to be admitted as an undergraduate. Now her dream has finally come true.